Mondays are hard...

Today is Monday. Mondays are always hard on me. Ethan has therapy at 8:00am where an early intervention team comes to our home and works with him. Once they leave, I get him ready for the day and then loaded up into the van for speech therapy. Before heading out, I pull out photos of the building, his speech therapist, his favorite toy there, and the waiting room. This is part of our new picture exchange communication system that is supposed to help with his transitions. By 11:00, we’re off to speech therapy. At the end of these multiple morning sessions, his therapists will update me on his progress and then ask me a myriad of questions pertaining to his “homework” for that week- whether it be specific speech or behavioral goals, learning new signs, or following new commands. Sometimes I have good news for them, sometimes I don’t. This week, I was happy to report that he has started to actually understand me when I tell him to “sit down" without any gestural prompts. I’m always excited to share good news with them, but I just can’t seem to quiet that voice in the back of my mind saying “are you REALLY celebrating this right now? Your two and a half year old learned a simple command that he should have known over a year ago. That’s not a cause for celebration…” And that’s when the mom guilt gets me. That’s when I start to question why he is the way he is, what I have or haven’t done to help him enough, what I could be doing to help him more, why we’ve gone through months of therapy and he still isn’t speaking. Mom guilt… It haunts us all, but experiencing what I have with Ethan has taken it to a level that I didn’t even know existed. And Mondays are the worst. We spend our mornings in therapy and I have the rest of the day to think about all those questions from the professionals and all of the progress we haven’t made yet. Once we’re home, I put the kids down for a nap, and I’m alone with my thoughts. I think about his IFSP and his upcoming IEP and all of the other documents and goals and progress records and new commands and signs that I have been tasked to teach him in the upcoming week. When he learns and retains something new, I get that “Christmas morning” feeling that I used to get as a child. Sheer excitement and joy. When he doesn’t meet a goal, I feel like a failure.

This is where prayer comes in…

 I have spent countless hours awake in my bed worrying, contemplating, crying, questioning, analyzing, and (worst of all) googling. But none of that helps Ethan speak. None of that makes him less frustrated. None of that eases my anxieties or comforts me. In these moments… Prayer is the answer. The Lord is here to comfort me and guide me and lift this burden. I have faith that this obstacle we are going through is only temporary. I know that we have all been given challenges to mold us and to sculpt us into the people that our Father in Heaven wants us to become. I don’t know WHY Ethan has a speech and language disorder, when and if he’ll ever be able to effectively communicate, or why we have been given this specific challenge, but I do know a few things... I know that it could be a LOT worse. I know that I have a healthy son and I thank God for that every day. I know that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. And I know that this trial will strengthen and unite our family. I know I have a lot to learn as a mother. Being Ethan’s mother has truly humbled me. I was that mom who would constantly brag about my ‘genius-of-a-daughter’ who was walking and talking at nine months old. How foolish of me to think that was something that I could actually take credit for! I now have a 2.5 year old who doesn’t even say “mama” and although there’s that little voice in the back of my mind that tries to tell me it’s my fault, I know that’s not the case. Scripture tells us that “all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil…” [Moroni 7:12] Mom-guilt is not of God. He does not want me blaming myself or questioning my abilities. I am Ethan’s mother for a reason, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. He is the most sweet, gentle, loving child I have ever been around. Whether someone has known him for 2 minutes or 2 years, EVERYONE comments on his sweet nature. He is my gentle giant and I know I have just as much to learn from him as he has to learn from me. 

Mondays are hard… 

But life is hard and I will have to get through many more Mondays. 

I will get through them with God on my side. I will not let the adversary win. I will continue to pray when things get hard and praise God every chance I get. The Book of Psalms tells us that children are a blessing from the Lord and I believe that with my whole heart. I have been blessed with three of them- all with their unique strengths and weaknesses. I know I have been fully equipped to raise them up in my loving care, despite any obstacles that we may face along the way. I will continue to pray, not only for myself, but for my children <3

Introducing...

Jarom Mitchell Bledsoe

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 NOT: JEROME, JARON, JARED, OR JAROMY

 

Our sweet little Jarom arrived in the early morning hours of September 5 after a short, easy labor (another post will be coming with his birth story). It has been two and a half weeks since his arrival and life in the Bledsoe home has been filled with happiness and lots of love! Trinity and Ethan absolutely adore their baby brother and have since the moment they laid eyes on him. When we brought him home, the kids ran to the front door and greeted him with big smiles and loads of curiosity. I was pretty certain that Trinity would take to him well, because she did such an amazing job when Ethan was born and she understood much more of what was going on this time around. I kept her in the loop during the pregnancy and brought her to all of my doctor appointments. Throughout the pregnancy, she would talk to Jarom using my bellybutton as [what she thought was] some sort of amplifier. She would constantly ask “how much longer until Jarom pops out of your bellybutton?” and she would tell me about all the things she wanted to do with him when he arrived. So I was confident that she was ready for him and would have no problem adjusting to being the oldest of three. Ethan, on the other hand, I wasn’t sure about. I’m never quite sure how Ethan is going to react to any type of change. He generally doesn’t do very well. I tried rubbing his hand over my belly during the last few months and repeating “baby” but he didn’t really seem to understand. So I held my breath, prayed, and waited. Jarom was extremely comfortable in there and decided to hold out until 41 weeks to make his arrival, but once he finally got here… Ethan FELL IN LOVE. I have to admit that I was not expecting him to react the way he did. From day one, he has been enthralled. The first day home from the hospital, all he wanted to do was hold and kiss Jarom. He must have kissed him 300 times that first day. It melted our hearts. So far, the hardest part about having three children is keeping the other two off of the baby 24/7! But if that’s the biggest challenge… I consider myself blessed.

 



Daddy walking into the house for the first time with Jarom

 

Jarom is an amazing baby. After I had Trinity and people would ask how we were adjusting, I would say “they just don’t get any easier than Trinity!” But… Jarom proved me wrong. I literally have never seen a more content newborn in my life. Sometimes we don’t even know he’s woken up because he just doesn’t cry! One minute he’ll be sleeping peacefully and the next minute we look over and he’s wide awake, just looking around. He is an exceptional nurser and an awesome sleeper. I can honestly say that since we’ve been home from the hospital, we haven’t had one sleepless night. He sleeps anywhere from 4-9 hour stretches, wakes to nurse, and goes right back to sleep. I can’t explain how much of a relief this is after having a baby who nursed every other hour for the first 10 months of life! My little Ethan was not a sleeper. As much as I love him, he was a VERY hard baby. I thank the Lord that I didn’t get two hard babies in a row because I really don’t know how I would have handled that. But thankfully, He knows what I can handle and never gives me more than that.

 

 

So life is good over here! We’re getting into the swing of things and enjoying every minute of being a family of five. My mom was here for about ten days; five days before Jarom’s arrival and five days after. I can’t even explain what a huge help she was. She kept our house immaculate, kept our bellies nice and full with her mom-cookin’ and loved on her grandbabies all day long. It was very hard to say goodbye to her, but luckily I married a man who takes amazing care of me and keeps me going. He is the most helpful, loving man I know and I am so thankful that he is here to share this experience with this time around. Ethan was about as old as Jarom is now when we had to send him back to Afghanistan to finish out his deployment. We have said many, many goodbyes while in the Army, but that was definitely one of the hardest. I am thankful for the stability that we are experiencing at this point of our lives, I am so thankful for this precious addition to our family, and I am thankful for the incredible support system that we have- both near and far. We are blessed beyond measure!